Wednesday

I have an appointment with my PD tomorrow and I'm sure what direction he will take the conversation but I don't want to go there.

I am so terrified about so many things that are going on in my life right now. a family member that has been doing things that remind me EXACTLY of what someone did a few years back when he took his live and I can't go through it again. It's making me feel like I'm losing what's left of my mind. Up's and down's. One minute I'm laughing and the next in tears. Guess that's what they call a mixed episode to those who don't know much about Bipolar.

It use to be that I could just feel like I could PUT IT ALL OUT THERE because no one knows who I am. Even to people close to me, I could just vent but for some reason I feel myself closing in more and more each day.

I don't want to talk or feel anything anymore. I feel like I just want to give up. I'm so tired of it all. It's too much work. Don't worry about me doing something to myself, but if they told me I had a terminal disease and would die in two weeks I would feel so relieved.... so relieved.

I just want to sleep until it happens.

What's in a day?

It's been such a long time since I've posted. What's in a day?

I got out of the hospital a few weeks ago and sad to say, it feels like no one even noticed I was gone - not that you announce you had to go to a psych hosptial or something but there were certain things and people I expected in my life to react a bit differently... maybe a bit more concerned or comforting but just another day (or 5) I guess.

This stay was different (not that anyone would have known it) because it made me different. Somehow it changed me - I'm not the same person I use to be. I think I cared to much before and that made me hurt too much and certain things took place when I was there and even after I returned home that made me realize life is somehow different now.

They changed my medications but I had a bad reaction and almost ended up in the hospital again. My doctor wants me to go back but I'm trying to just stay home and see if a few weeks of quiet will do it. I went back to what I was taking before or suffer with the side affects of which were simply terrible!

I guess this shouldn't be a time for me to write because I don't want to alarm those that may have just been diagnosed it that's why you are here but it gives you a peak into the mind of someone with Bipolar II - at least of late with me.

I feel like I'm in a grave or want to be. Like a black cloud has consumed me and it's odd, but I don't even want it to go away - it has become my friend.

I've had so many losses this year and I've been so dissapointment so I "put on a happy face" to fake it for those around me so they won't worry, because "what if she finally does it."

If I was gone tomorrow, it would give people something to talk about for awhile and in a week, maybe month or so they would just move on and bring it up on occasion. I'm consumed with guilt and fear, I feel hopeless and overwhelmed. Just another day... another day to count down and wonder.

Hanging in there

It's been a long time since I've posted on our blog. Sorry about that. I've just been having a difficult time lately in my therapy. I'm not working so much on my bipolar symptoms as an old event in my past.

Right now I'm doing ok. I'm hanging in there, even with all the stress.

Needing my therapist

I'm sad all of a sudden. I mean really sad. I want to call my therapist. I want my mom. Stupid bipolar. :(

I'm feeling very self destructive right now. My blood sugar is a little high and seeing it high makes me want to drive it up even higher. Dangerous levels higher. I could do it easily. I have medicine that will do it. That part of my brain that is my enemy is very active and very loud tonight.

I know I should find ways to distract myself. Get myself through, for lack of a better word, the cravings. The urges. But that part of me is so loud, telling me "no... do it. You'll feel better once you do it."

I need my therapist. Unfortunately it's the weekend and I have to wait until Monday to see her. That feels like forever from now. I know it's only 1 day, but still... I have this sense of urgency that I have to see her. I need to see her.

Worried busy work

I'm really worried about Jessica. She's got so much on her plate right now and she's so stressed. I wish there was a way I could help her and I can't think of any other than just listen to her. This is one of the times I wish she lived closer to me.

I'm hanging in there. I've been making jewelry today to keep myself busy. I remade my shield necklace and made 2 bead bracelets. Busy work, but it's enjoyable. I'm finding that I prefer working with the metal charms and chains more than beadwork, however. Don't get me wrong, beading is fun, just not as fun for me as the metal work. Maybe I'll try earrings soon. I'd love to make a ring, but I have no idea on earth how to do that, and I'm sure I don't have the tools to do it.

Well, I'm going to go eat dinner now. Jessica, if you read this, call me if you need to talk. I'm here for you.

Injections

They're thinking about giving me antipsychotic injections now. I'd spoken with my therapist and told her how the irrational thinking never completely goes away and she emailed my doctor. I see him on Thursday. He's going to discuss the injections with me.

I'll have to admit I got a little paranoid when she emailed him because every other time she's ever emailed anyone about me with me in the room, she told me what the email said. This time she didn't. And even though I couldn't read it, I could see that it was a fairly long email. I want to know what she said to him. I know if I ask him, he'll just summarize it for me. That's what he's done in the past when someone has spoken to him about me.

I'll do the injections, if that's what they want me to do. I just want this voice in my head to go away that tells me to do hurtful things to myself, that I'm invincible, that the world isn't real.... and so forth.

On another note, I'm worried about Jessica. She's going through a very hard time right now and I hope that she'll be ok. I wish I could be there for her, but I'm half a continent away from her and all I can offer are words either over a phone or over the internet. I have her in my thoughts and in my heart. That's all I can do for her right now, even though it feels like it's not enough.

Back from the Nevernever

For those who read the Harry Dresden series, the post title will make sense. For those who don't, the nevernever is a magical realm where nothing is what it seems and anything can, and often does, happen.

Well, I'm back from my lovely week long stint in the hospital. I do feel much better than when I went in. I see now that my thinking had become very disorganized and irrational. Even delusional.

I'd become convinced that I am invincible. To that end, I performed an experiment - a test - if you will. I took waaaay too much insulin and went to the ER to check in. My parameters were this: if my blood sugar dropped drastically, then I wasn't invincible and I was wrong. BUT if they didn't drop, or the drop was negligible, then I WAS invincible. I even had built in a failsafe: if my thinking was wrong and I really wasn't invincible, then I'd be in the best place - the ER.

Funny thing is, the drop was negligible. Even so, I was immediately swarmed by a barrage of nurses doing what seemed like everything at once to me and doctors asking questions and repeated attempts to get me to admit to this being a suicide attempt, which I repeatedly and firmly denied each time. I tried to get them to understand why I'd done what I'd done, but no one was getting it.

Well, after a short time, I was wheeled up to the ICU for a 2 1/2 day stay. I was then moved to the psychiatric ward of said hospital. I stayed in there from Sunday afternoon until Friday morning. Then I was pronounced ready to be discharged and to go home.

I'll tell you, walking out of the hospital with no one watching me... feeling the breeze on my face... starting my car and driving away... they all felt like precious privileges given back to me. Until one has been on a locked ward and has had those privileges taken away one will never understand the sweetness that being released brings.

I love the staff there. They take very good care of me. They know me and my family and my history very well and have been nothing but the best to me each time I'm there. But still, it's nice to walk away from there a more balanced happy soul for being there and having had their support to get to this point.

I feel much better now. I feel ready to once again tackle the stresses of life that are thrown at me. My first task will be to clean up my house. Remember, my husband has been living in here by himself for a week. You can imagine what it looks like, lol.

Well, the cleaning will have to wait for tomorrow. I'm going to head off to bed now. I'm up later than I wanted to be anyways. Night all.

Afraid of going inpatient

I'm going into the hospital in 6 hours. I'm getting up at around 5:30 am or so which will put me there by around 6 am. My husband has been trying to convince me all night that this is what I really need.

I thought it's what I needed, but now that it's close to check in time, I'm getting more and more afraid. I don't like going inpatient. Not at all. I don't like the loss of freedom. Of control. Of choice.

I know deep down that I need this. But I'm so afraid. But I'm going, even though I'm afraid.

You won't be seeing any posts from me for probably about a week. That's my average stay when I go inpatient.

Evy

Taking a Break

I think I'm going to be going into the hospital at the end of this week. Friday morning, actually. I have 2 appointments to go to tomorrow, then I have nothing for a couple of weeks, other than my husband's birthday on Saturday. I was worried about being inpatient during that but he said it was not a problem for him. That doesn't surprise me. Birthdays have never been a big deal with him.

I just can't shake these urges to hurt myself. I'm not safe. So I think I need to be inpatient for a while. I'm just not sure how to go about admitting myself. I think what I need to do is just write out what's been going on for me and how I'm thinking and then just hand the letter to the doctor. That should be enough. It's worked before.

So there may not be any posts from me for a while, so don't worry. I'll be ok.

Evy

Struggling

I'm struggling a lot right now. A LOT. I'm resorting to very old methods of self-soothing that are very destructive. I told my husband and mother in law about it. I'm preparing them for the possibility of me going into the hospital. I'm very afraid that it may happen before the week's end.

I can't shake these thoughts. Thoughts of hurting myself. Of taking a major overdose of insulin. Of taking a whole bottle of pills. Of driving my car into a tree at 60 mph. It's scaring the crap out of me.

I don't feel safe. Not safe at all.

I talked to my therapist about all of this yesterday and she seems very concerned. She even made me promise to not take any more insulin than I absolutely need. She realizes the compulsion to take it is so very strong. Very strong. She wouldn't even let me leave the room until I agreed to it. She said it was either that or the hospital.

I don't know what to do.

Panic in the Hall of Mirrors

I'm not doing so well right now. This is the best description I can think of right now to describe how I'm feeling: imagine being stuck in a Hall of Mirrors like at a carnival. Now panic and try to find the way out, running this way and that, all the while finding nothing but more mirrors showing your terror. That's how I feel on the inside; running around getting nowhere and screaming silently on the inside.

It's not a fun feeling.

Not to mention my blood sugar is 404. That's way super high for a diabetic. If I were to follow doctors' advice, I'd be on my way to the ER right now. But I'm not going unless it hits over maybe 450 or 500. That's scary high. Not to mention my father in law's death by sudden cardiac arrest was ruled in direct consequence of poorly controlled very high blood sugar. High like mine has been high. Well, that's enough to scare the crap out of me.

I'm going to take some anti-anxiety medicine and see how I do over the next hour.

OH! And let's not forget about the stupid time change! That's going to mess me up so badly. It always takes me months to adjust to the change. Then by the time I'm used to it, it changes back. Drives me crazy.

Sorry, I'm just ranting. I'll go for now and try to relax.

Evy

11 Hours Ago

11 hours ago I was doing great, but I realize now that was mania rearing its ugly head. I'm on steroids for my lungs and they're doing a number both on my moods and my blood sugar (I'm diabetic).

In my trauma therapy group today we talked about shielding myself from the onslaught of emotions that are hitting me and threatening to pull me under like waves trying to pull me under the surface of the ocean. Well I, in my manic haze, thought I was doing a great job - going above and beyond and being the number 1 student in the class. I decided I'd make a charm bracelet full of shields and then, thinking if I'm gonna make a bracelet, why not a necklace to match, right? Riiight. And let's not forget the other necklace I made as a kind of protection charm.

Well, this was my first foray into the world of making jewelry and I think I did a pretty decent job. The only problem is now that I look at them, they don't look like shields at all. They just look like circles and diamonds dangling from both a bracelet and necklace. How stupid to think that would look like shields. And on top of it all, my husband agrees that while it looks nice, it doesn't look anything at all like shields. *sigh*

11 hours ago I was on top of the world. Singing along to a fun little album while attaching charms to chains. Now it's 11 pm and I'm sitting here telling myself how stupid I am and deluded and, oh yeah, a financial strain on our marriage. All of the problems in my life are magnified right now and I feel completely dreadful. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to sleep forever. I want to be self-destructive. I want to curl up into a ball in the corner of the closet and hide.

11 hours ago I was great, fantastic, at the top of my game and brilliant. Now I'm thinking about how long a hospital stay might last if I need to go in.

I think Jessica had a great idea to talk about the the actual symptoms of both Bipolar 1 and 2. I know what she means when she talks about her being in a mixed episode. I'm in one as well. For those who don't know what that is, a mixed episode is both depression and mania at the same time. It's an awful awful thing. For example, as bad as I am mood-wise, I have the hyperness of the mind that I could go on and on turning this into an exhaustively long entry. Since I don't want that any more than you do, I'll stop now and post another entry later.

Bipolar Disorder

Today I wanted to talke about Bipolar Disorder. Last night I spilled my heart out and typed a blog only to press the enter button and have the entire thing wipped out. Sounded like the way I feel "wipped out".

The purpose of my blog (at least last night) was to talk about Bipolar Disorder I and II. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. Although I question my diagnosis because some of my symptoms fit into the classification of Bipolar I, I'm treated as Bipolar II.

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person's mood, energy and ability to function. Everyone has their normal ups and downs but the symptoms of Bipolar disorder are severe.

When I started this synopsis to talk about and define things such as mania or manic episodes, hypomania and the like - I suddenly caught myself printing pages (or piles) of information.

With pen in hand, notes to my right and piles to my left -- all of a sudden I realized close to two hours had passed and I didn't even know why I did it. I've lived this for a lifetime and know it all like the back of my hand but just had to print and type and do more and more.

I've been very depressed for some time now. Some days so much that I can barely keep my head up but at the same time my mind is racing a thousand miles a minute (mixed episode) and I know I'm going to crash. I feel like a drunk pinball machine if that makes any sense?

Anything and everything upsets me (in a typical Bipolar manner). I had 8 messages on my answering machine and one was erased in error and I'm still in a panic! What if it was someone I know that is sick and left me an important message.... what if it's something even worse? How stupid... how will I know? Even typing about it upsets me. Any other person would just say "oops" and wait for the person to call back but not me at a time in a mood like this.

I'm waiting for the ball to drop and I'm wondering where this came from. I think it's the pressure from family problems - in fact, I know it is. You see, the average person can have problems that most people do and be a little upset or depressed about it but if you have Bipolar disorder, the problem(s) are to a DEGREE that last longer and feel much deeper and even at times require a stay in the hospital to stablize you.

I wish I would feel like going into more of the symtoms of Bipolar I and II but maybe next time, my mind feels like a blender. I wish Evy was home. The last time I spoke to her she wasn't feeling well. Hope she is good to herself and gets some rest and is well soon.

Thanks for letting me vent and letting you into the mind of a mood of someone with Bipolar disorder.

Jessica

Into The Ocean

This song has always made me feel better when I'm really upset and I needed to hear it tonight so I thought I would share it with everyone. I hope it helps you the way it does me. It's called "Into the Ocean" by Blue October. They retain all copyright to their material.

Finding balance

It's been a while since I've posted here. I must admit ashamedly that I've been posting on my other blogs. I'm an obsessed woman. Too many to try to manage. I need to find a balance, which has always been my weak point. Finding balance. I can find it for a time, but it never lasts.

Meet Evy

Up and Down

Wow has it been a crazy couple of weeks (I think I've said that before so many times before).

My father and a very close friend are both terminally ill. When I went to visit my father last Friday, he could barely keep his head up long enough to speak. I just spent time with him to hold his hand and tell him how much I love him. After I left, I received a phone call telling me they took him back to the hospital - they just do enough to keep him comfortable (they actually should have just called hospice) but he's back home and can barely even speak.

The following day I went to visit my friend who is also terminally ill and we sat and had a nice time visiting. When she felt comfortable, she would share her concerns and fears of her condition and it took everything I had not to fall on the floor and start sobbing.

It was in March when I lost my twin brother to cancer many years ago. I don't know if it's the month or that so many parts of what's happening now reminds me of what happened with Bob - maybe a combination of it all but I feel consumed with sadness.

For the past few weeks there have been several nights when I wake up and I've been sick to my stomach so bad you would think I have a virus but it only turns into a migraine and I have to take something to (HOPEFULLY) sleep it off.

My moods during the day are all over the map but the one thing that is so odd is how I have become so protective about my father and friend when it comes to talking with my mother. I don't want her to know anything. Not what is happening to them or the progression of their illness. The part of me that is being so protective is so odd but I just know it has to be this way.

I think every minute of the day (think and think and think) and wonder how long it will be before I need to go back into the hospital. The last time was July of last year.

I'm so very worried about Evy.... she lost her father-in-law late last week and I'm concerned about how she will be dealing with all of the stress. We are so alike in the way we handle things. I want her to pace herself and be alright.

Evy, be good to yourself this week. I know it will be difficult but pace yourself and understand and accept the feelings you have about the loss of someone you love are all normal. The overwhelming sadness and feeling of loss of control... all normal when we loose someone we love. We never get past the loss of someone we love, we only learn to deal with it in a different way - and - in time you will.

Jessica

Loss of another Dad

I lost my father-in-law tonight. He passed away at 5:45pm from a sudden cardiac arrest. My husband and I are still in shock, I think. This man was, other than having diabetes, in great health.

He'd just come in from walking his dog, sat on the couch, happy and talking with my mother-in-law when all of a sudden he took a deep breath, threw his head back and slumped forward. That was it. He was dead.

It's such a shock to lose him so suddenly with no warning. I don't quite know what to do.

A thirsty Boo

I needed to remember something good, so I started looking through my home videos on the computer and I found this one. We used to have an outside cat named Boo and she was a cutie. I'm going to let you see some of her antics. :)

Letting him in on my pain

I finally came clean with my husband with what's been going on with me lately. All of the explicit details. It hurt a lot to let him know, and I know it hurts him to know, but he still wants to know. So I let him read my current journal. Now he understands what's been plaguing me.

He still loves me. He doesn't think any less of me. I love him so much for it.

Evy's First Aid Kit

I finally just put the finishing touches on my new First Aid Kit for emotional emergencies. I bought a beautiful wicker basket lined with a light tan fabric to hold everything. I originally was using one of my husband's shoe boxes (he has big feet, lol), but all this was in there and it was still crammed tight. So I got something bigger. I've put in a picture so you can see what it looks like and I'll include a list of what's in there. A quick overview of a First Aid Kit is a box with something for all 5 senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. I added an extra category in mine: stuff that brings back good memories.

Sight: black painted egg, dolphin musical statue, rose candle w/lighter, my mom's reindeer doll, an ID bracelet engraved with "Never Give Up", a brown beaded bracelet I made while hospitalized for my bipolar, a photo album of me happy, a picture of me and my husband, a card I made of Marvin the Martian & K-9 for an abuse survivor's group I used to be in, and 3 drawings I'd done - a fairy, a rose, and a sad woman.

Sound: an mp3 player loaded with favorite songs and relaxation music, a dolphin musical statue, butterfly wind chimes, a stuffed Taco Bell Chihuahua dog that says "Here lizard lizard", and a Pikachu doll that says "Pikachu".

Taste: a box of raisins, Wonka nerds candies, a square of Ghirardelli espresso escape 60% chocolate, several Hershey's special dark miniatures, a tin of dark chocolate m&m minis, some 70% dark chocolate squares, sunflower seeds and honey roasted peanuts, grenadine syrup, and those Runts candies.

Touch: a stress ball, rosemary lip protector, a swatch of soft pink fabric, mom's reindeer, the ID bracelet, the beaded bracelet, a black velvet back of small stones, and a TY baby kitten.

Smell: instant coffee, Johnson's baby lotion, Aveeno lavender stress lotion, Electric Youth perfume, Victorian perfume, Rose bath salts, and a rose candle.

Feel Good Memories: my Valentine Barbie from my childhood, my childhood doll Sylvia, a deck of Virginia Slims playing cards that was my mom's, a Wiccan pouch I made, my bartender business card, my husband's poem to me of strength, and my husband's love note to me in a hand decorated envelope he gave me for Christmas one year.

I realize there are several duplicates in the various categories. That's because those items fit in more than 1 category. The picture below is the parchment paper printout of the contents that I have in the Kit.

Bad urges

I saw my psychiatrist today. I told him about the self destructive urges I've been having and how strong they are. I also let him know that my impulse control is nil. He mentioned with a bit of surprise in his voice that it's been so long since I've been hospitalized for the bipolar. He's right. It's been since August of last year. That's pretty good for me, considering the last 3 or 4 years.

However, I'm afraid that's the road I'm on if I don't get these urges under control. I've got to find a way to go to sleep early in the night, say not later than 1 am or so. That way I'll be controlling them in a way.

On another note, I start a new group tomorrow for survivors of assault and trauma. I don't know about this. I was in one of those back several years ago and while it helped a lot, I also got very caught up in it and the drama of it and it was very hard to extricate myself. Come to think of it, I wasn't able to. I had to stop going because the therapist running the group was moving on to another job. Huh... pretty sad, isn't it?

The therapist I see on a weekly basis for individual therapy is the one running the group. I know she'll protect me and keep me safe. I'm not worried about that. I'm just not wild about opening up to a group of strangers again. It's like it just rips open old wounds that have started to heal over.

Anyways, I think I'm gonna try to get some sleep soon.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I've had migraines and the affects after migraines -- not feeling well, still off and even my eyes still hurt.

I went to my weekly doctor's appointment for counseling (who also keeps me in check for my Bipolar condition)and I have to say I honestly feel he was having an off day. It felt like everything I said (or didn't say) was wrong. I left feeling like my spirit was broken.

As I'm not a graduate from medical school, I wouldn't know what the proper techniques are in handling someone who is depressed about a dying friend and many other surrounding circumstances I'd rather not go in to, but as I left I told myself in silence I should never bring up certain things again because doing so might upset him again and his response to me appeared angry.

You know, some are fortunate and go through life surrounded by good friends, a loving family and wonderful memories -- some not so fortunate and for those who are not so lucky, there is PSYCHOTHERAPY!

In the next few days I need to really spend some serious time thinking through how bad I felt talking to the person that I need support and guidance from. Maybe I'm too much work for him too.

On a better note, the day ended talking to my friend Evy and playing on the computer. Actually took a bit of the pressure off.

Pill fest due to self destructive urges

I've found the most incredible item! And it's all because of my best friend Jessica. She checked ebay after I told her about my doll that I've had all my life and has seen many better days. She suggested looking on ebay and voila! There she was!! I bid on her so quickly. I hope I get her.

I also found my brother's monkey doll that he's had all his life. I bid on that one too. Early birthday present, I think it'll be.

I want this doll so bad I can taste it.

On other notes, I was feeling like I couldn't sleep so I took a mega dose of meds. Let's see... 20 mg ambien, 3 mg klonopin, 1 mg prazosin, and 20 mg flexoril, and last but not least... 150 mg trazodone. Oh no.... I thought trazodone was a sleeping med, but what if it's an antidepressant???? If it is, I'm in big trouble. I react very badly to those.

The reason for the pill fest is some serious self destructive urges. So I'm gonna try to get some sleep and see what happens.

Night all.

Belly Dancing

Man, am I wiped out. I just finished 2 lessons in Belly Dancing and boy do I already feel it in my hips and abdomen and arms!

It's fun as hell, though! hehehe

A Manic-ish OCD Binge

My OCD is acting up very strongly these last few days. Very strongly. I started cleaning the living room today and started in one spot and just cleaned and cleaned until it was spotless. I've also done a load of dishes, several loads of laundry, folded them and hung them up, and started writing posts on my other blogs like mad last night and today.

I know it sounds like mania, but it's more of a reaction to the amount of stress that I'm under. I tend to go a bit manic-like when I'm stressed.

There for you

Jessica my friend, I will always be there for you. To lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on, some experience, or some insight. Perhaps even an idea or two to help soothe the psyche.

I hope you sleep well tonight, my friend.

Bad and Good Today

What a terrible day today. My depression has hit an all time low - my doctor even told me last week if I felt I needed to that I should be honest with him if it was time for me to go into the hospital for my depression. I keep trying to wait because I want this to pass.

My friend is scaring me. She is so ill and I can't do anything for her but so much of what she does and says reminds me of another friend I had that I lost a few years ago. I'm terrified... I can't go through this again. I want to he there for her but I don't want to lose her the way I did him.

Bad and Good Day? In the middle of it all, I was hysterical. I didn't know what to do or how to even think so I called Evy and was while driving in my car, she talked me through some of my fears and reminded me that there are many things that are not in my control and the things I do have control of, I should act on in a responsible way.

I'm still very upset and depressed. Times like this are very difficult but having a good friend talk me through it will help me sleep tonight.

Where will this lead me...

It's been a crazy week for me; So much has been going on. Between my father and a close friend both termanally ill, I can't even begin to express how I feel.

I took my niece to the emergency room yesterday because she was having severe pains in her side, chest and back and after numerous tests - she was having panic attacks from the pain of kidney stones.

There is so much more I would like to say about what is going on in my life but I'm always worried that someone might piece things together and figure out who I'm talking about. My life and the life of my family is not common and in a certain part of town, it would be easy to put the pieces together.

All I can say is this, I don't understand how it all works this way but one of the problems with Bipolar II is when too much is going on in your life, you almost "take on" the event's in your life as if it is happening to you. I feel so overwhelmed.

The medication the doctor gave me to sleep should knock out a truck but I can't sleep a wink so I'll need to talk to him again this week to see if there is something else I can take.

They say it's important to PACE YOURSELF when you are Bipolar. That's funny, when you don't really have control over your mood swings, pace yourself to avoid mood swings?

I miss my brother who is no longer here. I miss my dear friend, also no longer here and I'm very concerned because I feel their presence more now than I have in a very long time and I don't know why. My friend that died in the month of June feels like he's in the next room and even though I've been told it's impossible, the words don't sink in.

I hope I can sleep tonight. My mind is playing fast replay and fastforward again. I just want rest.

Off balance, but not for long

Omg, I'm sooo ready to get back to my natural rhythm of life. Keeping the house clean. Keeping laundry done. Doing my 45 minute walk. Doing my yoga. I miss my yoga probably most of everything. That and the walk are at the top of the list.

Dangerously high blood sugars, hospitals, ambulances, IV's, house guests, flashbacks, mood swings, manic whirls of unproductive activity, and sleep problems have all contributed to me getting off track. Off balance you'd say. Oh yeah, I'm definitely off balance. Somehow I've gotta get back into my rhythm. I just have to remember how I was doing it. That's the hard part. I'm motivated enough to do it. Well, lol, at least at this moment I am.

Ok I'm going to go take a shower and think on things.

Hunted by the shadows

I'm not doing so well right now. I was going to go to bed an hour and a half ago. But here I am on the computer. I'm so very tired. But something is very wrong inside me. I can't put my finger on it. It's the fluttery feeling of panic in my chest. It's the quick shallow breathing of someone hiding. It's the terror coursing through my veins as I try to be as still and quiet as possible. I feel like I'm being hunted.

I had a therapy session today with my therapist and she helped a lot. But the way I'm feeling right now would necessitate at least an hour or two every day for a while. I'm in a constant state of hyper vigilance and panic and terror. I'm being hunted. I can feel it. I just don't know by who or where they are. But I can feel it with every cell in my being.

I want to run screaming from this place.

Day two and counting....

Well it's another night and I'm still trying to get a grip on my mood. I'll be able to see my doctor longer than usual tomorrow and no go in at the end of the week. I guess the trade-of will be I need to see more of him sooner!

I've been doing a little writing tonight and certain things come to mind - from the mind of someone with Bipolar II. My degree and loss of self control in my mind when I'm in "this place" when I'm on my way down makes me feel like I have loss of control of myself and who I am. I don't really even know who I am at times like this.

For the average person, they would go through a terrible amount of stress at the loss of a job or someone they love - so do I/we, however, when my depression hits the loss of something as simple as my keys or day runner (even if only for awhile - and after I find them) ripps me of my confidence and the loss of security and peace of mind. I feel depressed, anxious, irritable, tired, frustrated and at the same time I want to run.... don't know where but just run. I think this might be a mixed cycle for me - I feel so depessed and tense.

I've got a lot going on right now but even the small things are bigger than life. I cried for over an hour because I didn't have salt in the house and we didn't even need it just yet. I hope something gives soon because this can't keep going on like this or it will swallow me up!

I hope for those who ever read this don't look at it as depressing.... the purpose of this Blog is to give people insight of the minds of people with this condition. It's not something we like. Many famous people you all know have Bipolar Disorder. Hey, I'll copy a list next time if you want me to.

Jessica

The ignored hotel staff's getting pissed

I'm pissed off and disappointed. Our house guest that's staying with us has turned down an invitation to come home early this evening to play a game with me, my husband, and my brother-in-law.

I have no right to feel this way. Absolutely no right to feel this way. He's a grown man and he can do whatever he wants. But, dammit! It pisses me off. We let him stay here. We listen to him every single night, whether it's preaching about his religion and how it pertains to everything in life on this earth (NOT my religion, by the way, and it makes me damn uncomfortable), or going on about his woes of life as a newly divorced man who's lost visitation privileges with his kids.

Yes, I know. It's very sad. But if you hear the same thing over and over again night after night, it can get a little old. Or let's not forget his new business venture of selling his own abstract artwork that he just started producing. That's gonna make him a millionaire, don't ya know. I mean, geez! There's other topics of conversation out there. He never asks about us and how we're doing, other than the standard 'how's it going?' question that doesn't really expect a response.

I'm sorry if I'm being a bitch. But we've given him a roof over his head and asked nothing in return. I can't even expect him for dinner because we never know when he'll come back. It's like we're being treated as a hotel. But we're not getting anything in return. At least the hotel charges you for ignoring the staff or preaching to them.

Here's another little fact: whenever we ask anyone to come do something with us (which is rare, let me tell you) they turn us down. What, do we have leprosy?? Oh no, it's fine if they want us to come over to their place to help them with something, but if we ask them to come to our house to play a game, have dinner, watch a movie... anything... they pass. They have whatever reason at the moment that sounds good to them as to why they can't come.

It's not fair! And it hurts my feelings. A lot. :(

A new mood....

It's Saturday and my day has been full. Yesterday I went to my doctor's appointment and should have been more honest about how I felt but I just wasn't in the mood to be there, or for that matter, anywhere.... so I tried to get in and out as fast as I could.

I'm feeling the drop down. Slowly deeper and deeper day by day and even though I know it I don't feel like I can do anything about it. I'm so tired of being up or down and rarely ever in between. This feels like the start of rock bottom and I'm settling deeper in a whole everyday.

I get little spirts of a charge here and then but for the most part, here I go again.

I'm having family problems at one end of town (long story) that have left me feeling worthless; I have no energy left to fight or stand up for myself; My friend who has been sick for some time now just informed me that she needs to talk to me tomorrow. She doesn't want to continue with her treatments anymore.

I could go on for an entire page what the past few days have been like but why put you all through it. Being Bipolar magnifys things in a way that can consume you at a time like this and I hope it doesn't lead to another hospital stay. I miss someone that is gone and I will miss my friend who is sick - I don't want to loose someone close to me again - no this soon.

How I hate the way my mind is wired - I'm exhaused but I can't sleep because I keep thinking about all of this. I'll be visiting my friend tomorrow and want to be good support for her and hope I can shake this long enough to visit with her.

Cavalier attitude

I can't sleep. I feel very off. Maybe it was the drinking I did tonight. I played bartender to my husband and our houseguest. I figured hell, if they were gonna drink, I would too.

Probably not a good idea what with the diabetes and all.... but hell I just didn't care. I've been very cavalier toward my health today. Not sure why.

I'm just not caring very much right now what happens to me. I guess I'll try to get some sleep or something.

Stress effects

I'm considering making a compilation of all my journal entries from the beginning of time. Well, my time of journaling, at least (which, by the way, did you know that "journaling" isn't actually a word in the English language?? Who knew?? If it is, I can't find it in the dictionary.).

Anyways... what I'm thinking of doing is typing up all of my journal entries from throughout the years and compiling them into a kind of night and day thing. The Light and the Dark. Obi-Wan and her padawan learner.

Ambitious you say? Oh, probably. Hell, most likely. Hmmm, I wonder if I may be in the beginning stages of mania. You know, my husband asked me recently if I'm starting to get manic. I do have to admit he knows and notices the signs of things changing better than I. No no no no no I do NOT want to get manic.

It's the stress, I tell you. It's the damn stress. Does it to me every freakin time. Great.

I have been spending an increasing amount of money lately, now that I think about it. And I'm more interested in sex. I'm feeling hyper. And I have a ton of ideas flowing through my mind. I'm very creative-oriented right now. Writing, drawing... just creating. I even have an interest in working on my crochet project that I haven't touched in a year.

Noooooooooooooooo! Dammit.

Thank you Jessica

To my dearest friend and sister, Jessica....

I love you with all my heart. Since meeting you, the darkness and the chaos has been less daunting; the bliss just a little brighter knowing that I'm not alone. As much as I wish you never had to experience what I do, I do take comfort in the knowledge that you understand me in a way that most others could never do.

We were destined to meet, you and I.

I was touched by what you said to me and I thank you as well. You do the same for me, whether you realize it or not. You show me that I'm not alone. That someone else experiences what I experience. That the storm doesn't last forever. It only feels that way, and with you by my side, I can weather the storm. We can weather the storm together.

Thank you Jessica.

To write or not to write... that is the question

Tonight I was told again that I should be an author. Everyone who reads my writing says the same thing. You know what? I'd love to be an author. That is one of my dream jobs, right up there at the top of the list.

However, I still haven't overcome that itty bitty problem of writer's block after a very short way into what I'm writing.

We have a good friend staying with us for a while who's very into drawing right now. I took about 10 minutes to write him a short blurb about him as an artist. He was so very impressed, to use his words. He loved it and gave me a big hug and said he'd keep it always.

I've always had a way with words. There's no doubt about that. It's just the consistency and keeping up with it that's always been my problem. Maybe that's why I like blog posting so much. It's a short blurb and I can get what I want said out and then it's done. I don't have to expand it into a several hundred page novel. (Wouldn't that just drive all our readers crazy? lol)

Ok well I'm gonna sign off for now. The computer's in the living room where we're currently housing our guest and it would be rude to keep blogging with him trying to go to sleep, wouldn't it? Hmmmmm, I wonder.....

Thousand mile-a-minute mind....

It's 11:42 and actually an early night for me... I'll probably be up all night. I can feel it - going to be one of those nights.

It actually wasn't a bad day but I was preoccupied with thoughts of this and that, him and her and what if's and the list goes on and on and on. I know this may not make sense to most who are reading this but to someone with Bipolar disorder - it makes perfect sense.

When I start thinking about something, I can't process things like most people do. I really wish someone could tell me something and I could just get over it - get mad and "blow it off" like most people do. No, not me! I think about it 1,000 different ways.

My mind goes 1,ooo miles a minute thinking about everything from every angle non-stop. I even think when I sleep! It's hard to believe it but I do. I have a notepad beside my bed and when I wake up (everynight) with a thought or idea, I write it down because if I don't, I can't go back to sleep.

My brain is constantly thinking. When I watch a movie I'm the person that finds the mistakes in the background because I can't just watch the movie.

It's simply exhausting. At the end of a day I am so tired but even though my body is tired, my mind is wired up and ready to go. Tonight is going to be one of those nights - I can feel it. I'll probably stay up after I write this and organize some things in my house because my mind is too busy for sleep. Maybe I'll be able to sleep tomorrow night.

Jessica

My first blog and most important message....

This is my first blog and what I consider the most important.

I want to start by thanking my dearest friend Evy who has listened to me night after night for so long. All the mood swings and the memories that would keep me up at night. How she would remind me - maybe not tomorrow or the next day... but everything would be better if I just give it time.

She reminds me that I'm loved and family comes in all forms from all places! My adopted sister and dearest friend. Thank you Evy.

Reversal

Nighttime insomnia plagues me once again. My sleep cycle is reversed. It's nearing 1:30 am and I know that I should be in bed asleep, but I'm wide awake. If I don't get to sleep soon, I'll be up until 4 or 5 am and sleep until 1 pm or so. I hate doing that.

Normally trouble sleeping is one of the first signals that mania is rearing its ugly head, however I don't think that's the case this time.

The only thing I can think of to pin it on is that I'm working through some old issues that are pretty traumatic in nature. My therapist says it could take as many as 10 sessions or more to get this out of my head so that I can refocus on what's important in my life. 10 sessions?? We've only worked on it for 2. I don't like this one bit.

But I digress... I should wake my husband up and ask him to get me a sleeping pill (he's currently in charge of my meds for safety's sake), but I really hate waking him up to ask him for something. He gets very grumpy when I do that.

So I think I'm going to have to resort to different measures. I think what I need to do is turn this computer off (too distracting), turn all the lights off but 1 low-watt lamp, and listen to some of my meditation music. Try to calm my mind and body until I'm tired and ready to get some sleep.

We'll see how that works. Night for now.

Owie

I went to the dentist today. I actually had dental work done with no sedation. I'm very proud of myself that I was able to do that. Unfortunately, now my tooth hurts, whereas it didn't before. I think if it doesn't stop hurting soon, I'm going to have to go back and see the dentist again.

The fact that I was able to have dental work done without being asleep is huge for me. I'm absolutely phobic about having dental work done. So much so that I usually have a panic attack when I know I have to go to the dentist. Luckily my dentist has a thorough history of my emotional problems and he knows me well. When he finished his work today, he told me he was very proud of me for being able to go through it with no sedation.

But man oh man, does it hurt now! It's been a long time since I've had a filling put in and I don't really know what to expect. My husband says what I'm experiencing is normal, but I'm not so sure. I guess I'll call my dentist's office tomorrow if it's still hurting and ask them if it's normal.

Poetry by Evy

Chaos creeps up behind me.
A tiger pacing back and forth.
It waits for me.
Prey for the hungry hunter.
Lack of sleep has put me here.

Sleeplessness tightens its grip on me.
Night after night.
I hate the glowing green numbers.
Three hours, two hours, one hour.
My sleep decreases with every passing night.

Am I forever doomed to this twilight torture?
Now is all there is for me.
Nothing they try helps.
No pill does its duty.
No remedy in sight.

Fear gnaws at me.
The tiger grows closer.
How much longer will it last?
What if it goes away completely?
I just want to sleep.

written by Evy
4-6-2008

A Preview of What's To Come

Evy here. :)

Just thought I'd post a few thoughts to our new blog.

I'm very much looking forward to this collaboration of the hearts and minds. The 2 authors of this blog will be adding anything and everything their hearts desire. It will truly be a glimpse into the minds of two women with Bipolar Disorder and various other issues.