What's in a day?

It's been such a long time since I've posted. What's in a day?

I got out of the hospital a few weeks ago and sad to say, it feels like no one even noticed I was gone - not that you announce you had to go to a psych hosptial or something but there were certain things and people I expected in my life to react a bit differently... maybe a bit more concerned or comforting but just another day (or 5) I guess.

This stay was different (not that anyone would have known it) because it made me different. Somehow it changed me - I'm not the same person I use to be. I think I cared to much before and that made me hurt too much and certain things took place when I was there and even after I returned home that made me realize life is somehow different now.

They changed my medications but I had a bad reaction and almost ended up in the hospital again. My doctor wants me to go back but I'm trying to just stay home and see if a few weeks of quiet will do it. I went back to what I was taking before or suffer with the side affects of which were simply terrible!

I guess this shouldn't be a time for me to write because I don't want to alarm those that may have just been diagnosed it that's why you are here but it gives you a peak into the mind of someone with Bipolar II - at least of late with me.

I feel like I'm in a grave or want to be. Like a black cloud has consumed me and it's odd, but I don't even want it to go away - it has become my friend.

I've had so many losses this year and I've been so dissapointment so I "put on a happy face" to fake it for those around me so they won't worry, because "what if she finally does it."

If I was gone tomorrow, it would give people something to talk about for awhile and in a week, maybe month or so they would just move on and bring it up on occasion. I'm consumed with guilt and fear, I feel hopeless and overwhelmed. Just another day... another day to count down and wonder.