Needing my therapist

I'm sad all of a sudden. I mean really sad. I want to call my therapist. I want my mom. Stupid bipolar. :(

I'm feeling very self destructive right now. My blood sugar is a little high and seeing it high makes me want to drive it up even higher. Dangerous levels higher. I could do it easily. I have medicine that will do it. That part of my brain that is my enemy is very active and very loud tonight.

I know I should find ways to distract myself. Get myself through, for lack of a better word, the cravings. The urges. But that part of me is so loud, telling me "no... do it. You'll feel better once you do it."

I need my therapist. Unfortunately it's the weekend and I have to wait until Monday to see her. That feels like forever from now. I know it's only 1 day, but still... I have this sense of urgency that I have to see her. I need to see her.

Worried busy work

I'm really worried about Jessica. She's got so much on her plate right now and she's so stressed. I wish there was a way I could help her and I can't think of any other than just listen to her. This is one of the times I wish she lived closer to me.

I'm hanging in there. I've been making jewelry today to keep myself busy. I remade my shield necklace and made 2 bead bracelets. Busy work, but it's enjoyable. I'm finding that I prefer working with the metal charms and chains more than beadwork, however. Don't get me wrong, beading is fun, just not as fun for me as the metal work. Maybe I'll try earrings soon. I'd love to make a ring, but I have no idea on earth how to do that, and I'm sure I don't have the tools to do it.

Well, I'm going to go eat dinner now. Jessica, if you read this, call me if you need to talk. I'm here for you.

Injections

They're thinking about giving me antipsychotic injections now. I'd spoken with my therapist and told her how the irrational thinking never completely goes away and she emailed my doctor. I see him on Thursday. He's going to discuss the injections with me.

I'll have to admit I got a little paranoid when she emailed him because every other time she's ever emailed anyone about me with me in the room, she told me what the email said. This time she didn't. And even though I couldn't read it, I could see that it was a fairly long email. I want to know what she said to him. I know if I ask him, he'll just summarize it for me. That's what he's done in the past when someone has spoken to him about me.

I'll do the injections, if that's what they want me to do. I just want this voice in my head to go away that tells me to do hurtful things to myself, that I'm invincible, that the world isn't real.... and so forth.

On another note, I'm worried about Jessica. She's going through a very hard time right now and I hope that she'll be ok. I wish I could be there for her, but I'm half a continent away from her and all I can offer are words either over a phone or over the internet. I have her in my thoughts and in my heart. That's all I can do for her right now, even though it feels like it's not enough.

Back from the Nevernever

For those who read the Harry Dresden series, the post title will make sense. For those who don't, the nevernever is a magical realm where nothing is what it seems and anything can, and often does, happen.

Well, I'm back from my lovely week long stint in the hospital. I do feel much better than when I went in. I see now that my thinking had become very disorganized and irrational. Even delusional.

I'd become convinced that I am invincible. To that end, I performed an experiment - a test - if you will. I took waaaay too much insulin and went to the ER to check in. My parameters were this: if my blood sugar dropped drastically, then I wasn't invincible and I was wrong. BUT if they didn't drop, or the drop was negligible, then I WAS invincible. I even had built in a failsafe: if my thinking was wrong and I really wasn't invincible, then I'd be in the best place - the ER.

Funny thing is, the drop was negligible. Even so, I was immediately swarmed by a barrage of nurses doing what seemed like everything at once to me and doctors asking questions and repeated attempts to get me to admit to this being a suicide attempt, which I repeatedly and firmly denied each time. I tried to get them to understand why I'd done what I'd done, but no one was getting it.

Well, after a short time, I was wheeled up to the ICU for a 2 1/2 day stay. I was then moved to the psychiatric ward of said hospital. I stayed in there from Sunday afternoon until Friday morning. Then I was pronounced ready to be discharged and to go home.

I'll tell you, walking out of the hospital with no one watching me... feeling the breeze on my face... starting my car and driving away... they all felt like precious privileges given back to me. Until one has been on a locked ward and has had those privileges taken away one will never understand the sweetness that being released brings.

I love the staff there. They take very good care of me. They know me and my family and my history very well and have been nothing but the best to me each time I'm there. But still, it's nice to walk away from there a more balanced happy soul for being there and having had their support to get to this point.

I feel much better now. I feel ready to once again tackle the stresses of life that are thrown at me. My first task will be to clean up my house. Remember, my husband has been living in here by himself for a week. You can imagine what it looks like, lol.

Well, the cleaning will have to wait for tomorrow. I'm going to head off to bed now. I'm up later than I wanted to be anyways. Night all.

Afraid of going inpatient

I'm going into the hospital in 6 hours. I'm getting up at around 5:30 am or so which will put me there by around 6 am. My husband has been trying to convince me all night that this is what I really need.

I thought it's what I needed, but now that it's close to check in time, I'm getting more and more afraid. I don't like going inpatient. Not at all. I don't like the loss of freedom. Of control. Of choice.

I know deep down that I need this. But I'm so afraid. But I'm going, even though I'm afraid.

You won't be seeing any posts from me for probably about a week. That's my average stay when I go inpatient.

Evy

Taking a Break

I think I'm going to be going into the hospital at the end of this week. Friday morning, actually. I have 2 appointments to go to tomorrow, then I have nothing for a couple of weeks, other than my husband's birthday on Saturday. I was worried about being inpatient during that but he said it was not a problem for him. That doesn't surprise me. Birthdays have never been a big deal with him.

I just can't shake these urges to hurt myself. I'm not safe. So I think I need to be inpatient for a while. I'm just not sure how to go about admitting myself. I think what I need to do is just write out what's been going on for me and how I'm thinking and then just hand the letter to the doctor. That should be enough. It's worked before.

So there may not be any posts from me for a while, so don't worry. I'll be ok.

Evy

Struggling

I'm struggling a lot right now. A LOT. I'm resorting to very old methods of self-soothing that are very destructive. I told my husband and mother in law about it. I'm preparing them for the possibility of me going into the hospital. I'm very afraid that it may happen before the week's end.

I can't shake these thoughts. Thoughts of hurting myself. Of taking a major overdose of insulin. Of taking a whole bottle of pills. Of driving my car into a tree at 60 mph. It's scaring the crap out of me.

I don't feel safe. Not safe at all.

I talked to my therapist about all of this yesterday and she seems very concerned. She even made me promise to not take any more insulin than I absolutely need. She realizes the compulsion to take it is so very strong. Very strong. She wouldn't even let me leave the room until I agreed to it. She said it was either that or the hospital.

I don't know what to do.

Panic in the Hall of Mirrors

I'm not doing so well right now. This is the best description I can think of right now to describe how I'm feeling: imagine being stuck in a Hall of Mirrors like at a carnival. Now panic and try to find the way out, running this way and that, all the while finding nothing but more mirrors showing your terror. That's how I feel on the inside; running around getting nowhere and screaming silently on the inside.

It's not a fun feeling.

Not to mention my blood sugar is 404. That's way super high for a diabetic. If I were to follow doctors' advice, I'd be on my way to the ER right now. But I'm not going unless it hits over maybe 450 or 500. That's scary high. Not to mention my father in law's death by sudden cardiac arrest was ruled in direct consequence of poorly controlled very high blood sugar. High like mine has been high. Well, that's enough to scare the crap out of me.

I'm going to take some anti-anxiety medicine and see how I do over the next hour.

OH! And let's not forget about the stupid time change! That's going to mess me up so badly. It always takes me months to adjust to the change. Then by the time I'm used to it, it changes back. Drives me crazy.

Sorry, I'm just ranting. I'll go for now and try to relax.

Evy

11 Hours Ago

11 hours ago I was doing great, but I realize now that was mania rearing its ugly head. I'm on steroids for my lungs and they're doing a number both on my moods and my blood sugar (I'm diabetic).

In my trauma therapy group today we talked about shielding myself from the onslaught of emotions that are hitting me and threatening to pull me under like waves trying to pull me under the surface of the ocean. Well I, in my manic haze, thought I was doing a great job - going above and beyond and being the number 1 student in the class. I decided I'd make a charm bracelet full of shields and then, thinking if I'm gonna make a bracelet, why not a necklace to match, right? Riiight. And let's not forget the other necklace I made as a kind of protection charm.

Well, this was my first foray into the world of making jewelry and I think I did a pretty decent job. The only problem is now that I look at them, they don't look like shields at all. They just look like circles and diamonds dangling from both a bracelet and necklace. How stupid to think that would look like shields. And on top of it all, my husband agrees that while it looks nice, it doesn't look anything at all like shields. *sigh*

11 hours ago I was on top of the world. Singing along to a fun little album while attaching charms to chains. Now it's 11 pm and I'm sitting here telling myself how stupid I am and deluded and, oh yeah, a financial strain on our marriage. All of the problems in my life are magnified right now and I feel completely dreadful. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to sleep forever. I want to be self-destructive. I want to curl up into a ball in the corner of the closet and hide.

11 hours ago I was great, fantastic, at the top of my game and brilliant. Now I'm thinking about how long a hospital stay might last if I need to go in.

I think Jessica had a great idea to talk about the the actual symptoms of both Bipolar 1 and 2. I know what she means when she talks about her being in a mixed episode. I'm in one as well. For those who don't know what that is, a mixed episode is both depression and mania at the same time. It's an awful awful thing. For example, as bad as I am mood-wise, I have the hyperness of the mind that I could go on and on turning this into an exhaustively long entry. Since I don't want that any more than you do, I'll stop now and post another entry later.

Bipolar Disorder

Today I wanted to talke about Bipolar Disorder. Last night I spilled my heart out and typed a blog only to press the enter button and have the entire thing wipped out. Sounded like the way I feel "wipped out".

The purpose of my blog (at least last night) was to talk about Bipolar Disorder I and II. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. Although I question my diagnosis because some of my symptoms fit into the classification of Bipolar I, I'm treated as Bipolar II.

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person's mood, energy and ability to function. Everyone has their normal ups and downs but the symptoms of Bipolar disorder are severe.

When I started this synopsis to talk about and define things such as mania or manic episodes, hypomania and the like - I suddenly caught myself printing pages (or piles) of information.

With pen in hand, notes to my right and piles to my left -- all of a sudden I realized close to two hours had passed and I didn't even know why I did it. I've lived this for a lifetime and know it all like the back of my hand but just had to print and type and do more and more.

I've been very depressed for some time now. Some days so much that I can barely keep my head up but at the same time my mind is racing a thousand miles a minute (mixed episode) and I know I'm going to crash. I feel like a drunk pinball machine if that makes any sense?

Anything and everything upsets me (in a typical Bipolar manner). I had 8 messages on my answering machine and one was erased in error and I'm still in a panic! What if it was someone I know that is sick and left me an important message.... what if it's something even worse? How stupid... how will I know? Even typing about it upsets me. Any other person would just say "oops" and wait for the person to call back but not me at a time in a mood like this.

I'm waiting for the ball to drop and I'm wondering where this came from. I think it's the pressure from family problems - in fact, I know it is. You see, the average person can have problems that most people do and be a little upset or depressed about it but if you have Bipolar disorder, the problem(s) are to a DEGREE that last longer and feel much deeper and even at times require a stay in the hospital to stablize you.

I wish I would feel like going into more of the symtoms of Bipolar I and II but maybe next time, my mind feels like a blender. I wish Evy was home. The last time I spoke to her she wasn't feeling well. Hope she is good to herself and gets some rest and is well soon.

Thanks for letting me vent and letting you into the mind of a mood of someone with Bipolar disorder.

Jessica