Wednesday

I have an appointment with my PD tomorrow and I'm sure what direction he will take the conversation but I don't want to go there.

I am so terrified about so many things that are going on in my life right now. a family member that has been doing things that remind me EXACTLY of what someone did a few years back when he took his live and I can't go through it again. It's making me feel like I'm losing what's left of my mind. Up's and down's. One minute I'm laughing and the next in tears. Guess that's what they call a mixed episode to those who don't know much about Bipolar.

It use to be that I could just feel like I could PUT IT ALL OUT THERE because no one knows who I am. Even to people close to me, I could just vent but for some reason I feel myself closing in more and more each day.

I don't want to talk or feel anything anymore. I feel like I just want to give up. I'm so tired of it all. It's too much work. Don't worry about me doing something to myself, but if they told me I had a terminal disease and would die in two weeks I would feel so relieved.... so relieved.

I just want to sleep until it happens.

What's in a day?

It's been such a long time since I've posted. What's in a day?

I got out of the hospital a few weeks ago and sad to say, it feels like no one even noticed I was gone - not that you announce you had to go to a psych hosptial or something but there were certain things and people I expected in my life to react a bit differently... maybe a bit more concerned or comforting but just another day (or 5) I guess.

This stay was different (not that anyone would have known it) because it made me different. Somehow it changed me - I'm not the same person I use to be. I think I cared to much before and that made me hurt too much and certain things took place when I was there and even after I returned home that made me realize life is somehow different now.

They changed my medications but I had a bad reaction and almost ended up in the hospital again. My doctor wants me to go back but I'm trying to just stay home and see if a few weeks of quiet will do it. I went back to what I was taking before or suffer with the side affects of which were simply terrible!

I guess this shouldn't be a time for me to write because I don't want to alarm those that may have just been diagnosed it that's why you are here but it gives you a peak into the mind of someone with Bipolar II - at least of late with me.

I feel like I'm in a grave or want to be. Like a black cloud has consumed me and it's odd, but I don't even want it to go away - it has become my friend.

I've had so many losses this year and I've been so dissapointment so I "put on a happy face" to fake it for those around me so they won't worry, because "what if she finally does it."

If I was gone tomorrow, it would give people something to talk about for awhile and in a week, maybe month or so they would just move on and bring it up on occasion. I'm consumed with guilt and fear, I feel hopeless and overwhelmed. Just another day... another day to count down and wonder.