11 Hours Ago

11 hours ago I was doing great, but I realize now that was mania rearing its ugly head. I'm on steroids for my lungs and they're doing a number both on my moods and my blood sugar (I'm diabetic).

In my trauma therapy group today we talked about shielding myself from the onslaught of emotions that are hitting me and threatening to pull me under like waves trying to pull me under the surface of the ocean. Well I, in my manic haze, thought I was doing a great job - going above and beyond and being the number 1 student in the class. I decided I'd make a charm bracelet full of shields and then, thinking if I'm gonna make a bracelet, why not a necklace to match, right? Riiight. And let's not forget the other necklace I made as a kind of protection charm.

Well, this was my first foray into the world of making jewelry and I think I did a pretty decent job. The only problem is now that I look at them, they don't look like shields at all. They just look like circles and diamonds dangling from both a bracelet and necklace. How stupid to think that would look like shields. And on top of it all, my husband agrees that while it looks nice, it doesn't look anything at all like shields. *sigh*

11 hours ago I was on top of the world. Singing along to a fun little album while attaching charms to chains. Now it's 11 pm and I'm sitting here telling myself how stupid I am and deluded and, oh yeah, a financial strain on our marriage. All of the problems in my life are magnified right now and I feel completely dreadful. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to sleep forever. I want to be self-destructive. I want to curl up into a ball in the corner of the closet and hide.

11 hours ago I was great, fantastic, at the top of my game and brilliant. Now I'm thinking about how long a hospital stay might last if I need to go in.

I think Jessica had a great idea to talk about the the actual symptoms of both Bipolar 1 and 2. I know what she means when she talks about her being in a mixed episode. I'm in one as well. For those who don't know what that is, a mixed episode is both depression and mania at the same time. It's an awful awful thing. For example, as bad as I am mood-wise, I have the hyperness of the mind that I could go on and on turning this into an exhaustively long entry. Since I don't want that any more than you do, I'll stop now and post another entry later.