Up and Down

Wow has it been a crazy couple of weeks (I think I've said that before so many times before).

My father and a very close friend are both terminally ill. When I went to visit my father last Friday, he could barely keep his head up long enough to speak. I just spent time with him to hold his hand and tell him how much I love him. After I left, I received a phone call telling me they took him back to the hospital - they just do enough to keep him comfortable (they actually should have just called hospice) but he's back home and can barely even speak.

The following day I went to visit my friend who is also terminally ill and we sat and had a nice time visiting. When she felt comfortable, she would share her concerns and fears of her condition and it took everything I had not to fall on the floor and start sobbing.

It was in March when I lost my twin brother to cancer many years ago. I don't know if it's the month or that so many parts of what's happening now reminds me of what happened with Bob - maybe a combination of it all but I feel consumed with sadness.

For the past few weeks there have been several nights when I wake up and I've been sick to my stomach so bad you would think I have a virus but it only turns into a migraine and I have to take something to (HOPEFULLY) sleep it off.

My moods during the day are all over the map but the one thing that is so odd is how I have become so protective about my father and friend when it comes to talking with my mother. I don't want her to know anything. Not what is happening to them or the progression of their illness. The part of me that is being so protective is so odd but I just know it has to be this way.

I think every minute of the day (think and think and think) and wonder how long it will be before I need to go back into the hospital. The last time was July of last year.

I'm so very worried about Evy.... she lost her father-in-law late last week and I'm concerned about how she will be dealing with all of the stress. We are so alike in the way we handle things. I want her to pace herself and be alright.

Evy, be good to yourself this week. I know it will be difficult but pace yourself and understand and accept the feelings you have about the loss of someone you love are all normal. The overwhelming sadness and feeling of loss of control... all normal when we loose someone we love. We never get past the loss of someone we love, we only learn to deal with it in a different way - and - in time you will.

Jessica