Wednesday

I have an appointment with my PD tomorrow and I'm sure what direction he will take the conversation but I don't want to go there.

I am so terrified about so many things that are going on in my life right now. a family member that has been doing things that remind me EXACTLY of what someone did a few years back when he took his live and I can't go through it again. It's making me feel like I'm losing what's left of my mind. Up's and down's. One minute I'm laughing and the next in tears. Guess that's what they call a mixed episode to those who don't know much about Bipolar.

It use to be that I could just feel like I could PUT IT ALL OUT THERE because no one knows who I am. Even to people close to me, I could just vent but for some reason I feel myself closing in more and more each day.

I don't want to talk or feel anything anymore. I feel like I just want to give up. I'm so tired of it all. It's too much work. Don't worry about me doing something to myself, but if they told me I had a terminal disease and would die in two weeks I would feel so relieved.... so relieved.

I just want to sleep until it happens.

What's in a day?

It's been such a long time since I've posted. What's in a day?

I got out of the hospital a few weeks ago and sad to say, it feels like no one even noticed I was gone - not that you announce you had to go to a psych hosptial or something but there were certain things and people I expected in my life to react a bit differently... maybe a bit more concerned or comforting but just another day (or 5) I guess.

This stay was different (not that anyone would have known it) because it made me different. Somehow it changed me - I'm not the same person I use to be. I think I cared to much before and that made me hurt too much and certain things took place when I was there and even after I returned home that made me realize life is somehow different now.

They changed my medications but I had a bad reaction and almost ended up in the hospital again. My doctor wants me to go back but I'm trying to just stay home and see if a few weeks of quiet will do it. I went back to what I was taking before or suffer with the side affects of which were simply terrible!

I guess this shouldn't be a time for me to write because I don't want to alarm those that may have just been diagnosed it that's why you are here but it gives you a peak into the mind of someone with Bipolar II - at least of late with me.

I feel like I'm in a grave or want to be. Like a black cloud has consumed me and it's odd, but I don't even want it to go away - it has become my friend.

I've had so many losses this year and I've been so dissapointment so I "put on a happy face" to fake it for those around me so they won't worry, because "what if she finally does it."

If I was gone tomorrow, it would give people something to talk about for awhile and in a week, maybe month or so they would just move on and bring it up on occasion. I'm consumed with guilt and fear, I feel hopeless and overwhelmed. Just another day... another day to count down and wonder.

Hanging in there

It's been a long time since I've posted on our blog. Sorry about that. I've just been having a difficult time lately in my therapy. I'm not working so much on my bipolar symptoms as an old event in my past.

Right now I'm doing ok. I'm hanging in there, even with all the stress.

Needing my therapist

I'm sad all of a sudden. I mean really sad. I want to call my therapist. I want my mom. Stupid bipolar. :(

I'm feeling very self destructive right now. My blood sugar is a little high and seeing it high makes me want to drive it up even higher. Dangerous levels higher. I could do it easily. I have medicine that will do it. That part of my brain that is my enemy is very active and very loud tonight.

I know I should find ways to distract myself. Get myself through, for lack of a better word, the cravings. The urges. But that part of me is so loud, telling me "no... do it. You'll feel better once you do it."

I need my therapist. Unfortunately it's the weekend and I have to wait until Monday to see her. That feels like forever from now. I know it's only 1 day, but still... I have this sense of urgency that I have to see her. I need to see her.

Worried busy work

I'm really worried about Jessica. She's got so much on her plate right now and she's so stressed. I wish there was a way I could help her and I can't think of any other than just listen to her. This is one of the times I wish she lived closer to me.

I'm hanging in there. I've been making jewelry today to keep myself busy. I remade my shield necklace and made 2 bead bracelets. Busy work, but it's enjoyable. I'm finding that I prefer working with the metal charms and chains more than beadwork, however. Don't get me wrong, beading is fun, just not as fun for me as the metal work. Maybe I'll try earrings soon. I'd love to make a ring, but I have no idea on earth how to do that, and I'm sure I don't have the tools to do it.

Well, I'm going to go eat dinner now. Jessica, if you read this, call me if you need to talk. I'm here for you.

Injections

They're thinking about giving me antipsychotic injections now. I'd spoken with my therapist and told her how the irrational thinking never completely goes away and she emailed my doctor. I see him on Thursday. He's going to discuss the injections with me.

I'll have to admit I got a little paranoid when she emailed him because every other time she's ever emailed anyone about me with me in the room, she told me what the email said. This time she didn't. And even though I couldn't read it, I could see that it was a fairly long email. I want to know what she said to him. I know if I ask him, he'll just summarize it for me. That's what he's done in the past when someone has spoken to him about me.

I'll do the injections, if that's what they want me to do. I just want this voice in my head to go away that tells me to do hurtful things to myself, that I'm invincible, that the world isn't real.... and so forth.

On another note, I'm worried about Jessica. She's going through a very hard time right now and I hope that she'll be ok. I wish I could be there for her, but I'm half a continent away from her and all I can offer are words either over a phone or over the internet. I have her in my thoughts and in my heart. That's all I can do for her right now, even though it feels like it's not enough.

Back from the Nevernever

For those who read the Harry Dresden series, the post title will make sense. For those who don't, the nevernever is a magical realm where nothing is what it seems and anything can, and often does, happen.

Well, I'm back from my lovely week long stint in the hospital. I do feel much better than when I went in. I see now that my thinking had become very disorganized and irrational. Even delusional.

I'd become convinced that I am invincible. To that end, I performed an experiment - a test - if you will. I took waaaay too much insulin and went to the ER to check in. My parameters were this: if my blood sugar dropped drastically, then I wasn't invincible and I was wrong. BUT if they didn't drop, or the drop was negligible, then I WAS invincible. I even had built in a failsafe: if my thinking was wrong and I really wasn't invincible, then I'd be in the best place - the ER.

Funny thing is, the drop was negligible. Even so, I was immediately swarmed by a barrage of nurses doing what seemed like everything at once to me and doctors asking questions and repeated attempts to get me to admit to this being a suicide attempt, which I repeatedly and firmly denied each time. I tried to get them to understand why I'd done what I'd done, but no one was getting it.

Well, after a short time, I was wheeled up to the ICU for a 2 1/2 day stay. I was then moved to the psychiatric ward of said hospital. I stayed in there from Sunday afternoon until Friday morning. Then I was pronounced ready to be discharged and to go home.

I'll tell you, walking out of the hospital with no one watching me... feeling the breeze on my face... starting my car and driving away... they all felt like precious privileges given back to me. Until one has been on a locked ward and has had those privileges taken away one will never understand the sweetness that being released brings.

I love the staff there. They take very good care of me. They know me and my family and my history very well and have been nothing but the best to me each time I'm there. But still, it's nice to walk away from there a more balanced happy soul for being there and having had their support to get to this point.

I feel much better now. I feel ready to once again tackle the stresses of life that are thrown at me. My first task will be to clean up my house. Remember, my husband has been living in here by himself for a week. You can imagine what it looks like, lol.

Well, the cleaning will have to wait for tomorrow. I'm going to head off to bed now. I'm up later than I wanted to be anyways. Night all.